Insurance 101 - Undermining America For The Good Of Americans
By Nola L. Kelsey and August K. Anderson, Fri Dec 9th

Insurance is like a myth. From one small seed of truth, afairytale the size of 1000 giant sequoias has sprung up. Realityis blocked from view. Surely, you've noticed all the giant,sequoia-like buildings are owned by banks and insurancecompanies. Where do they get all that money? How much money dothe executives make? Who pays for it all? Grab a mirror. "Magicmirror on the wall, who's the biggest sucker of them all? What'sthat you said? The Masses!"

Insurance is yet another unquestioned social reflex. You justbuy it. You must. The banker insists you have to purchaseinsurance or you don't get the loan. Your government orders youto buy auto insurance at any cost. Hence, it must be really goodfor you. Hell, why not stock up on some of the non-mandatedinsurances as well? You can't have too much of a good thing. Canyou?

Somewhere in the dark, murky corners of our minds we hide ourthoughts. Like The Emperor's New Clothes, no one screams out,"But he has nothing on!" or "Hey, this is just bullshit!" Youare not alone in the darkness. We all think it. So you are nolonger scared to speak, here are some of those secret thoughtsvoiced out loud for the first time:

1) If I speak out against insurance, I will be jinxed. My homewill surely burn to the ground and I will look like a moron.

2) If I speak out against insurance, some pecker-head who heardme will have an accident and sue me because folks are notresponsible for their own choices.

3) Insurance is betting against myself. Why would I bet againstme?

4) If insurance companies must charge such high premiums becausethey're losing so much in payouts, how do they afford all thosebig buildings?

5) What do insurance companies sell? Air? Promises they intendto deny via small print? Contracts? Wouldn't I rather buy anIHOP franchise with that money?

6) If government represents the people, why do they make me, apeople, a criminal when I cannot afford auto insurance to get towork and feed my family?

7) How much in dollars and perks do insurance lobbyists put intothe pockets of politicians?

8) Do I really need trip-cancellation insurance? Why would I buya dream trip, and then bet on my canceling it at the lastmoment?

9) If I put all the money I spend on insurance into the bank ortoward building success, how much money would I have for copingwith my problems on my own terms?

10) If I buy the extended warranty, will I remember I have it orbe able to find it when my widget explodes?

11) Shouldn't companies make quality widgets that last threeyears in the first place?

12) And finally, did Jennifer Lopez really insure herself forhundreds of millions of dollars? What? She is already rich. Theagent who sold this policy is phenomenal.

Yes, we all know the system is way out of hand! The blame lieswith insurance companies, greedy bankers, spineless politiciansand with the Masses unquestioningly supporting theseabsurdities. Every frivolous lawsuit provides government anexcuse for mandating people be protected from themselves viacostly insurances and removal of individual freedoms.

Before long, we will be required to carry Coffee-Burn riders onauto insurance and Cell- Phone-Earring-Tear addendums on HMOs.These days Sleeping Beauty would have sued the castle owner(a.k.a. Dad) for that prick on the finger, lost wages from thecoma and for trauma from the scar. Uninsured sewing needleswould be outlawed throughout the kingdom.

With a system this out of control, how do you protect yourself?You cut the fat. Quit betting against yourself. Think about allthose different types of insurance.

Stop buying out of reflexand decide for yourself what you can kick to the curb. Considerthe variety out there and what you truly must have.

Life Insurance is for betting you will die such a loser that youcan't pay for your own funeral or leave your kids anyinheritance. Extra Car Insurance-How much you betting that youwill crash? Not to mention, homeowner's, mortgage, tripcancellation, emergency evacuation, unemployment, boat, creditcard, business interruption, earthquake, disability, dental,smoker, expatriate, backpack traveler, winter sports, flood,warranty and health insurance. The list goes on.

Here is a new monument to the ludicrous: Terrorist Insurance.It's even pushed at Art Gallery Owner's in isolated communitiesof the Northern Great Plains. And, why not? No doubt Osama iscrouching in an Afghan cave right now, plotting to rid the worldof those pesky Remmington Cowboy bronzes.

Insurance agents prey upon these new fears like snakes onwounded mice. Apparently, companies want to terrorize you intobuying coverage. Another possibility is a rebel SCUD aimed forMount Rushmore may slam into a Canada Goose and go askew. Itsucks when this happens! No doubt your goat ranch in Chug Water,Wyoming is in eminent danger from this likely chain of events.Perhaps, you should add a specific 'Unpasteurized-CheeseAddendum' to your Terrorist Policy. Call your agent today andask them. See if they will sell you one.

The odds of you dying of a mosquito bite are better than theodds you will die at the hands of a terrorist. Well, crap! Thegovernment better permit companies to require we all carryMosquito Insurance. Maybe you can get a DEET discount! Betterstill; why not turn over all our bothersome responsibility, likefreedom and privacy, to the Feds. Then good ol' Uncle Sam canprotect citizens from the winged menaces that haunt our verysouls.

Congress could raise taxes to fund Bug Inspectors. Their jobwould be to comb through your private life, home and propertylooking for freestanding water. They would not look for anythingelse (roll eyes here). Still cancer and glaucoma patients mightwant to keep the baggies away from the birdbath.

Speaking of cancer, the Air Force could spray us all from abovewith a perfectly "safe" mixture of insecticides called AgentTan. Coincidently, that day your governor vacations far away. Isthere anybody in his or her right mind who would elect aninsurance salesman to public office? Of course, both politiciansand insurers are selling you hot air, so perhaps it is a matchmade in H...

A very few insurances are worth buying, such as liabilityinsurance for cars and real estate. Once you have something tolose, it's a sure bet some lazy troll with anentitlement-mentality will try to sue you. In this case, youwant the giants on your side. Insurance companies providelawyers to run evil little trolls back under their bridges.

Insurance prices in America are out of control. The wide rangeof insurance the bureaucracy would have us believe we cannotlive without is genuinely insulting. Buying all the coveragecompanies would have you believe you need wastes thousands ofyour dollars each year. Look over policies and eliminate whatyou can. Insurance is just legalized gambling. If you arebetting against yourself, how can you take a gamble on yourself?Pursue your dreams instead!

About the author:The preceding is an excerpt from the book Keeping the MassesDown. Satirist Nola L. Kelsey (http://www.NolaKelsey.com.) isthe coauthor and "primary scribe" of this twisted politicalsatire. August K. Anderson, a former lawyer, long time CEO ofGolden Quest Enterprises (www.chevalinternational.com) and oneof the country's top equestrians, is the primary political forcebehind Masses.